Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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