Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
