There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
