True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
