...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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