You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
