Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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