I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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