somebody snuck up and got me drunk
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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