he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
