i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
