Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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