im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
