My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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