Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
