Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
