Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
