Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I believe in your delicious
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
