I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
