I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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