I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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