I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
