And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
