I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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