We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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