saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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