I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
