Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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