oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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