The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
