my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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