I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
