If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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