Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
