I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
