Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
