my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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