??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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