it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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