I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
