I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So squirting runs in the family.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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