My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I want a musical about memes.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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