I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize