Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
