I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
