i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
