we're chasing vodka with high fives
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
