The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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