On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
