i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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