You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
