cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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