I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
