Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
