i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
