i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
