Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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